


Trust My Love

by bb_bambam



Category: GOT7
Genre: Adoption, Asexuality, Childhood Friends, Coparenting, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exploration of sexuality, Fluff and Angst, Gay Demisexual Jaebeom, Growing Up Together, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kid BamBam, M/M, Pansexual Jinyoung, Parenthood, Queerplatonic Relationships, his relationship with jackson is the only one detailed explicitly, it takes them a while but they get their happy ending!, jinyoung dates a lot of people who aren't jaebeom, jinyoung vs the mortifying ordeal of being known intimately by his best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28888734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bb_bambam/pseuds/bb_bambam
Summary: Jinyoung meets his best friend at age seven, falls in love at fifteen, explores his sexuality for ten years, adopts a son at twenty-two, gets his heart broken at twenty-five, finds that he created his own imperfectly perfect family along the way, and throughout it all, learns that love comes in many forms – and they are all beautiful.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Park Jinyoung/Others
Comments: 17
Kudos: 108
Collections: JJP Big Bang





	Trust My Love

Jinyoung meets Jaebeom during recess on his first day of second grade at his new school. He doesn’t know anyone yet, even though his teacher made him introduce himself to the whole class, so he doesn’t have people to play with. To be honest, he’s never really liked running around anyway, even at his old school, so it isn’t a tough choice between pretending to enjoy the playground and finding a bench to sit on. It doesn’t take him long to find one, nestled between some bushes and under a tree that casts a comfortable shade over the area.

There’s another boy already seated, reading a book, and he looks up as Jinyoung sits down, eyeing Jinyoung suspiciously. “What are you doing?” the boy asks, sounding slightly impatient. “Go play with your friends.” He looks to be about Jinyoung’s age, but his mouth is currently pulled into a scowl, making him seem older and more intimidating.

“I don’t have any,” Jinyoung says, trying to sound unbothered – it’s normal to not make friends right away at a new school, after all.

“Well, that doesn’t mean you should come sit here with me,” the boy says. It seems like an oddly rude reaction for someone who is currently sitting on a bench that any student is allowed to use.

“It’s my first day of school here,” Jinyoung says. The boy might not want to be polite, but Jinyoung has been told all his life to treat everyone with respect, so he presses on. “And I don’t like running around, so I decided to sit.”

The boy appears to be grudgingly intrigued, putting his book down to fully look at Jinyoung. “You don’t?” Jinyoung shakes his head, and the boy’s expression turns thoughtful. “How old are you?”

“I’m in second grade,” Jinyoung says. “It was my seventh birthday in September.”

“Hm,” the boy says, sitting up a little taller. “Well, I’m turning eight in January, so I’m your hyung.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says, trying not to sound too eager. On the inside, though, he’s excited – he’s an only child, and has never had an older-sibling figure to look up to before. “Does that mean I’m allowed to call you hyung?” He belatedly remembers that he needs to be respectful and backtracks a little. “You don’t even know me very well.”

“I don’t know you very well _yet_ ,” the boy says, a strange kind of determination in his voice. “What’s your name?”

“Park Jinyoung,” Jinyoung recites dutifully. “What about you?”

“Lim Jaebeom,” the boy says. “I think we can get closer. You don’t like running around and playing a lot, right?”

“Running around means I could get dirty and sweaty,” Jinyoung says after a moment of consideration. “I like learning in school and staying clean. And I only like to dance when it’s time for dance class.”

Jaebeom nods. “Do you like to read?”

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung says. He can tell that this is an important question to Jaebeom, and he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and potentially lose his chance to make a friend. “I never found any good books to read.”

“I’ll help you,” Jaebeom declares. “From now on, come sit with me at recess and I’ll bring books for you. And we can read the same things so we can talk about them after.”

Jinyoung smiles for the first time since the start of the conversation. “Okay. Thank you, Jaebeom-hyung.”

Amazingly, Jaebeom smiles a little too, and it makes him look significantly less intimidating. “You’re welcome, Jinyoung.”

~~~

That fateful first meeting is the start of days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years of Jinyoung and Jaebeom spending all the time they possibly can together – time they use to read and talk and learn about each other. They transition from meeting at recess to eating lunch together too, to visiting each other’s houses after school, to having sleepovers almost every weekend. By the time Jinyoung starts high school, there isn’t a thing they don’t know about each other.

They tell everyone that they’re best friends forever, that they’ll never be separated. But high school is a new era for them, and with it comes changes they never anticipated.

It starts with Jinyoung noticing how pretty certain people’s eyes are. More specifically, he’s equally attracted to _all_ the pretty eyes he sees – no matter the gender of the person they belong to. This realization in itself isn’t really that scary. Sure, Jinyoung hasn’t met anyone else who notices how attractive someone is without caring about their gender too, but a quick search on the internet is enough to confirm that there are other people like him out there.

 _Pansexual_ is the word he finds. He’s never heard it before, but it fits him. _I’m pansexual_ , he thinks, and it just feels right.

So no, that isn’t the scary part. The scary part is realizing that he likes _Jaebeom’s_ eyes more than anyone else’s. Because Jinyoung is all too aware that Jaebeom goes home every evening and hears the words “gay” and “homosexual” being spat out like curses, being compared to contagious diseases and equated to mental afflictions. And hearing that every day has taken its toll on Jaebeom, who casually throws out the phrase, “What are you, gay?” when any boy shares prolonged physical contact with him, who makes it a point to mention the features specific only to girls when he’s talking about what attracts him.

So Jinyoung knows that even if he does let his eyes linger on Jaebeom’s face, the radiance of his smile, the way his eyes curve into little crescents when he laughs, the little twin moles neatly lined up on his eyelid – he can never actually tell Jaebeom about it.

But worse than that, he isn’t sure if he can share anything about his newfound discoveries regarding his sexuality at all. If Jaebeom has trouble seeing homosexuality as a normal part of life, how will he react to the possibility of attraction to any gender, not just one?

Jaebeom is clearly not an option to speak to about these things, Jinyoung decides. Jaebeom’s younger brother, Youngjae, on the other hand, has always been outspoken. He’s always tried to stand up to his parents’ harsh dismissal of homosexuality when he can, has always been insightful in a way that makes him seem older than his twelve years.

It’s an easy decision in the end, really. He can’t talk to Jaebeom, so Jinyoung goes to Youngjae instead.

“I’m not straight,” Jinyoung blurts out one day after school while he and Youngjae are settled on Youngjae’s bed. Jaebeom is busy at b-boy practice today, so Jinyoung had seized the chance to go home with Youngjae and speak to him alone.

“What?” Youngjae asks, his eyes wide. “Does that mean you’re – you know, gay?”

“Not exactly,” Jinyoung says, and even though he knew it would probably happen, he’s overcome with relief that Youngjae is taking this in stride so easily. “I’m attracted to people before I even notice their gender,” he explains. “Gender doesn’t really matter to me at all. I looked it up, and I think ‘pansexual’ is what describes me best.”

“Thank you for telling me, hyung,” Youngjae says, reaching out and squeezing Jinyoung’s hand. _It’s so simple for him_ , Jinyoung thinks, and he can’t do anything but offer Youngjae a grateful smile. “Did you already tell Jaebeom-hyung?” Youngjae continues, but his expression is guarded, like he already knows the answer.

“No,” Jinyoung admits quietly, his smile fading. “You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this, because, well, I knew you would be okay with it. But I’ve been – scared to tell him.”

“Jinyoungie-hyung,” Youngjae says softly. “It isn’t just because of his... _attitude_ towards people like you, is it?”

Jinyoung freezes. Youngjae is right, of course, and it isn’t really surprising that his best friend’s brother would be able to see right through him, but he’s still mortified at being called out. “I – I don’t know what you mean,” he says with a nervous laugh.

Youngjae smiles, but his eyes are a little sad. “I won’t tell anyone. Especially not him. I know you’re already scared of how he’ll react, but it must be even worse because he’s the one who helped you realize it in the first place.”

“Youngjae-yah,” Jinyoung says, his eyes stinging. “You’re too young to be this smart already.”

This time, Youngjae’s smile is genuine, and he pulls Jinyoung into a tight hug. “You’re my family, hyung,” he says into Jinyoung’s shoulder. “And maybe one day, when Jaebeom-hyung grows up and realizes that things don’t have to be the way our parents say they do, we can even be brothers for real.”

Jinyoung hugs Youngjae back, and allows himself, just for a moment, to believe that the future can be as Youngjae says – that it can give him the life he wants.

~~~

Jaebeom is quite popular, Jinyoung knows. It’s been like this since elementary school – while Jinyoung sticks to running campaigns for class president, Jaebeom is out participating in clubs and dance groups and generally being in the thick of any social activities. It hasn’t ever bothered Jinyoung, because they still get to walk home together and study in each other’s rooms and stay up talking about their favorite books every weekend. They have separate social lives outside of each other, and that’s fine.

But Jinyoung can’t deny that it stings whenever Jaebeom receives yet another confession from a girl who has a crush on him. Jaebeom has never reciprocated any of them, but every time a girl comes up to him with pink in her cheeks and a love letter in her hands, Jinyoung is reminded once again of what he can never do, what he can never have.

Jaebeom himself has only ever made one confession in all the time Jinyoung has known him, back in middle school. The girl had rejected him, and Jinyoung spent days afterwards comforting him. He thinks maybe it should be a relief that Jaebeom hasn’t expressed interest in anyone since then, but Jinyoung knows he wouldn’t be an option regardless, so he doesn’t really have any opinions about it at all.

They’re back in Jaebeom’s house after Jaebeom has sent another girl off, dejected, when Jinyoung decides to throw a little caution to the wind. “You know, hyung, if you keep rejecting every girl who confesses to you, you’ll end up still being single at thirty,” he says lightly.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Jaebeom says, waving a hand dismissively. “I’ve seen you rejecting the girls who’ve asked you out before too.”

It is true, admittedly, but there weren’t that many, and anyway, Jinyoung is still in his secret “trying to get over Jaebeom” phase that only Youngjae is aware of, so his love life has been understandably boring up to this point. “Well, in that case,” he says before he can stop himself, “maybe if we’re both still single at thirty, we should just marry each other.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jaebeom says, his lips pulled into the same smirk that normally makes Jinyoung’s heart flutter, but right now, it grates against his nerves instead. “Us, marrying each other?” He says it like the idea doesn’t warrant even a fleeting moment of consideration.

Jinyoung scowls. Even though he hadn’t really meant to suggest it, now he’s more than a little annoyed. “If one of us was a girl, you would’ve agreed to it with no questions asked.”

Jaebeom just looks at him for a few moments with an unfamiliar intensity in his eyes, before finally breaking the silence. “If one of us was a girl,” he says quietly, “us being single at thirty wouldn’t be an issue. We wouldn’t even be single now.”

Jinyoung tries to keep his voice steady as he responds. “What does that mean?”

The strange look in Jaebeom’s eyes doesn’t go away. “I mean, if either of us was a girl, I would have already asked you out by now, and we would obviously be married long before we turned thirty.”

“I see,” Jinyoung says, blinking rapidly, because now is not the time to start crying. For what he wants to say, he needs to stay strong. “Well, Lim Jaebeom, I’m glad you have our hypothetical lives all figured out. I especially love the part where you assumed that I would only ever want to date or marry a girl.” He takes a deep breath, willing himself to keep it together for a little longer. “Come find me when you’ve grown up and reflected on why I couldn’t tell my own best friend about my sexuality until he forced it out of me.”

He walks out before Jaebeom can say anything else, tears already starting to spill down his cheeks. It isn’t fair, part of him knows, because how could Jaebeom possibly guess his sexuality when Jinyoung has never told him, has never even hinted at it? But the other part of him is just so tired of Jaebeom’s throwaway comments at school and at home that make him feel justified in not telling Jaebeom anything. This little playful suggestion wasn’t actually that deep, but it was the last straw – because even without the context of his sexuality out in the open, Jinyoung knows he deserves better from his best friend.

Youngjae lets him in as soon as he knocks on Youngjae’s door, wordlessly ushering him onto the bed and curling up next to him in a comforting embrace.

“Why does it have to hurt like this?” Jinyoung whispers, his tears soaking through Youngjae’s shirt. “Why can’t he just see that I like him so much?”

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae says, which doesn’t solve anything, especially because it isn’t Youngjae’s fault at all, but somehow, it helps to hear anyway. Jinyoung sniffles as Youngjae strokes his back soothingly. “I’m so sorry, Jinyoungie-hyung.”

Jinyoung falls asleep like that at some point, and when he wakes up an indeterminate amount of time later, it’s to the sound of a hushed but tense exchange between Jaebeom and Youngjae.

“You’re going to wake him up,” Jaebeom is hissing, clearly trying to keep his voice down.

“I’m not the one who barged in here,” Youngjae replies heatedly. In all the years Jinyoung has known Youngjae, he’s never heard him sound so upset, especially at his own brother. “And I was handling the situation just fine before you showed up.”

“Yeah, I could see that from the way you were all over him,” Jaebeom says, sounding oddly peeved. “But it isn’t your job to comfort _my_ best friend.”

“It is when _you’re_ the reason he’s crying,” Youngjae retorts. Jinyoung experiences a sharp pang of guilt as he listens to this argument that stemmed from his moment of weakness, and he curls into himself a little more. “And you don’t need to sound so disgusted about me literally just hugging him, especially when you should know better than anyone that physical contact always makes him feel better.”

“You don’t even know what happened,” Jaebeom says, but he suddenly sounds a bit uncertain, like he isn’t sure how much Jinyoung would share with Youngjae.

“Of course I do,” Youngjae says disdainfully. “You said something dumb and ignorant, and Jinyoung-hyung got fed up with your intolerance and finally came out to you.”

Jinyoung hears Jaebeom inhale sharply. “Wait, you – you knew?” A few tears leak out of Jinyoung’s eyes as he listens, because he can picture exactly what Jaebeom’s expression looks like right now – stunned, sad, and a little bit betrayed. “He told _you_ and he never even mentioned – why didn’t he tell me?”

Youngjae lets out a mirthless laugh that sounds utterly wrong coming out of his mouth. “Think,” he says. “Think for _one second_ about the way you talk about gay people, about the way you’ve let Eomma and Appa talk about them for years. And you wonder why Jinyoungie-hyung was scared, _terrified_ to come out to you?”

“I –” Jaebeom cuts himself off, and Jinyoung feels his heart clench at how small Jaebeom sounds. “I never wanted – I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“Look, hyung,” Youngjae says, and his tone is more gentle now. “I know that, and he knows it too. But you _did_ hurt him. So you’re just going to have to do whatever you can to show that you’re sorry.”

“Okay,” Jaebeom says softly. Jinyoung feels a hand tenderly brush his hair off his forehead a moment later. “I’m sorry, Jinyoungie,” comes Jaebeom’s voice in a whisper. “I’m so sorry. I won’t hurt you ever again. I promise.”

And Jinyoung, despite himself, can’t help but believe him.

* * *

When Jinyoung gets to college, it feels like a change of pace, like an opportunity to become a new version of himself. Jaebeom is still with him, because over their many years together, they developed several shared dreams, and the college they both attend now was one of them. The difference is that now, Jinyoung has resolved to at least _try_ to fully get over Jaebeom. He had already started, really, back in his junior year of high school after his unceremonious coming out, but it was tough because he already knew everyone in school, and there was no one he liked more than Jaebeom.

It hadn’t helped matters that Jaebeom was entirely intent on keeping his promise of never hurting Jinyoung again. After the day they made up, he started meticulously watching everything he said, shielding Jinyoung from harsh words in the hallways, even awkwardly and _very_ endearingly trying to ask Jinyoung who out of their classmates he found cute – just generally being impossible to get over.

But, Jinyoung reasons, now that he’s in college, surrounded by new, interesting people, surely he can find _someone_. So he starts saying yes to people who ask him out, goes on dates frequently, and pushes himself outside his comfort zone. The relationships he gets into never last long, but they also always end amicably, so at the very least, Jinyoung has gotten several new friends out of the whole process.

During his second year, Jinyoung is allowed to move out of the dorms, but he isn’t sure whether he should until Jaebeom practically demands it of him. “Let’s look for places together, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom says, his eyes shining with excitement. “Don’t you want to live with me?”

By now, Jinyoung’s feelings for Jaebeom are far beyond the “crush” territory and more along the lines of “I’m never going to feel about anyone else the way I feel about you but I’ll deal with it somehow,” so rather than the thrill and panic he would have felt before, he just feels resignation. “Of course I do, hyung.”

So they start their joint search for apartments, visiting the listings they like the most so they can try to envision their new life together. Jinyoung does his best to ignore the images of domesticity that his traitorous mind conjures up as they walk through each potential place – Jaebeom at the stove while Jinyoung chops vegetables, taking turns folding the laundry every week, reading on the couch together in the evenings – but he’s only human. He still secretly, achingly yearns for it.

It doesn’t take long for them to find a place that Jinyoung falls in love with. It’s small, but bright and cozy, and well within their budget. Jaebeom seems happy to go along with it because Jinyoung likes it, but Jinyoung’s insecurities are starting to creep into his mind.

“Are you _sure_ you’re okay with living with me?” Jinyoung asks. The realtor showing them the place has given them a few minutes to discuss their thoughts privately, and Jinyoung is almost shaking with anxiety. “This is a really permanent thing, you know? What if you –” he forces the words out, as much as they hurt to say – “start dating someone and want to live with her instead?”

“We can think about that when the time comes, if it ever even comes up,” Jaebeom says dismissively. “Besides, it seems like _you’re_ more likely to run into that issue,” he adds a moment later with a sly look. “Didn’t you just start dating Jisoo a couple of weeks ago?”

“We broke up,” Jinyoung says, trying to brush it off. He isn’t really eager to rehash his many, many less-than-one-month-long relationships right now, or get into his recent internal crisis over how he’s afraid he’ll never be able to commit to a long-term relationship – at least not with anyone who isn’t Jaebeom. “She thought she was bi, but it turned out she’s actually a lesbian.” He realizes a second later that none of this detail is necessary, so he quickly adds, “Anyway, that’s not important. The point is, I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for me either.”

Jaebeom just smiles. “Okay, then.” He takes Jinyoung’s hands in his own, and Jinyoung can’t look away from his earnest gaze. “Honestly, Jinyoungie, you shouldn’t worry about all that, anyway. I want to live with you. I can’t imagine anything else.”

Jinyoung swallows, smiles a little helplessly, because he can’t imagine anything else either, but for very different reasons. “Okay, hyung. I want to live with you too.”

Jaebeom beams. “Good. Then let’s send in our application for this apartment, and maybe by this time next week, we’ll officially have our own place.”

He says it like it’s easy, like there’s nothing more to it. And so Jinyoung lets himself stop worrying for the moment, lets himself forget about how much it aches to want to share a life with Jaebeom in a way that will never be requited. And instead, he basks in the knowledge that for now, out of everyone in the world, Jinyoung is the person Jaebeom wants to come home to.

~~~

In his senior year, Jinyoung decides that it’s time to take a break from dating. He’s been with a number of perfectly acceptable partners over the years, but he’s never been able to bring himself to go any further than very chaste kissing without feeling more than a little uncomfortable. Because he loves to be the cause of his own suffering, Jinyoung has briefly mentioned this squeamishness to Jaebeom – though he’s always avoided going into much detail. However, despite still being one of the most coveted men in his year, Jaebeom has never dated or had any kind of intimate experiences at all with anyone, so he can’t really relate, and his reassurance mostly comes in the form of hugs or a sympathetic pat on Jinyoung’s shoulder.

More convinced than ever that there must be something wrong, that maybe he just isn’t cut out for romance if he can’t even kiss someone without feeling somewhat grossed out by it, Jinyoung gives up on dating for now. He gets an on-campus job instead, choosing to be a tutor because it’s a significant time commitment that will undoubtedly keep him distracted, and he’s always enjoyed helping others, so it feels like a good fit.

His most dedicated – and secretly, his favorite – pupil is Yugyeom, a high school student who lives with his older brother Mark. Yugyeom is a bright kid, but he needs some extra guidance in his math and science classes, which Jinyoung is happy to provide. With all the time he spends in Yugyeom and Mark’s apartment, he gets to know the brothers fairly well, staying long enough some afternoons that he’s still there when Mark comes home from his mixed martial arts practice.

It’s on one of those days that Mark catches Jinyoung’s wrist as Jinyoung is packing up his laptop, getting ready to leave. Yugyeom has vanished into his room to put away his schoolwork for the evening, so it’s just the two of them.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Mark says, sounding a little hesitant. “Do you – I mean, would you want to –”

He’s very close, Jinyoung realizes belatedly as Mark continues to stumble over his words. Almost close enough for their lips to meet, if Jinyoung were inclined to do that sort of thing. Mark is undoubtedly handsome, and maybe if it were two years earlier, Jinyoung would have gone for it, but to be honest, Yugyeom and Mark are more like brothers to him anyway.

Mark seems to have given up on words, his eyes flickering between Jinyoung’s eyes and his lips, and it feels like an out-of-body experience as Jinyoung pushes him away gently. “Mark-hyung, I –” he pauses, licking his lips just to give himself something to do. He regrets it a second later when Mark’s eyes snap to his mouth again. “I’m sorry, but this is – I’m not looking for...this. Not right now.”

“Oh,” Mark says, stepping away immediately. “Jinyoung, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to –”

“It’s fine,” Jinyoung says, smiling it off, and it isn’t even a forced smile. He genuinely likes Mark, even if it apparently isn’t the way Mark likes him, and he hopes this doesn’t ruin anything. He still has to tutor here three times a week, after all. “It’s not you, it’s just. Not a good time. For me.”

“No, I shouldn’t have assumed,” Mark says. “I hope this doesn’t – I mean, you’ll still come here, right? At least for Yugyeom?”

“Of course,” Jinyoung says, before adding, “And – and for you too. You _are_ my friend.” The _but not more than that_ goes unsaid, but Mark nods, his expression a cross between disappointment and relief.

Jinyoung waits for Yugyeom to emerge again before taking his leave, walking home in a bit of a daze. He enters the apartment and heads to the couch immediately, needing to sit down and process the events of the evening.

“Jinyoungie!” Jaebeom calls from the kitchen, and just the sound of Jinyoung’s name in his voice feels like coming home. “You’re back!” Out of the corner of his eye, Jinyoung sees his head peek out through the doorway of the kitchen into the living room, only for his wide smile to fade when he sees Jinyoung sitting on the couch, staring at nothing.

“Mark-hyung tried to kiss me today,” Jinyoung says numbly without waiting for Jaebeom to ask what’s wrong.

“What?” Jaebeom is by Jinyoung’s side in a second. “As in, like, you didn’t want him to and he did anyway?”

Jinyoung vaguely registers the indignance in Jaebeom’s voice and appreciates the way Jaebeom has gotten so riled up on his behalf. “No, nothing like that,” he reassures Jaebeom, whose posture relaxes immediately. “I told him I wasn’t interested and he respected that. I just wasn’t really expecting it at all.”

“Well, you are a catch,” Jaebeom says, like it’s a fact of life that people should be attracted to Jinyoung, and Jinyoung has no idea how to deal with that. “I thought he knew that you’re dating Doyoung, though.”

“We broke up a while ago,” Jinyoung mumbles, embarrassed to admit that yet again, he ended a relationship before it could surpass two months in length. “He’s dating someone else now, last I heard from him. Jung Jaehyun, I think it was.” He’s aware that he’s rambling and that none of this is actually relevant, but it gives him something else to think about besides _Mark-hyung tried to kiss me_ , and _I don’t know how to commit to a long-term relationship_ , and _There really is something wrong with me_ , and _I still like Jaebeom-hyung after all this time_.

Jaebeom looks at him strangely. “You know, you’re allowed to tell me when you break up with someone,” he says carefully. “I feel like I always find out months later.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung says vaguely, not really wanting to go into the complexities underlying his failed relationships. “I guess I just forget.”

“Hm,” Jaebeom says, eyeing him skeptically. Luckily, he doesn’t push any further, seeming to realize that Jinyoung’s isn’t interested in talking about it more. “If you say so.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, I’m glad he didn’t force himself on you or anything.” He says it like he would have gone to fight Mark to defend Jinyoung’s honor, which is a fairly ridiculous but also sweet scenario to envision.

“Me too,” Jinyoung says.

Jaebeom’s eyes scan Jinyoung’s face, and like always, Jinyoung gets the strangest feeling that Jaebeom can actually see right through him, straight to his core. “Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom says gently. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

Something about the way he asks, so tender and full of concern, like he’s afraid to break Jinyoung if he presses too hard, has Jinyoung wanting to spill everything, to reveal everything he’s never told Jaebeom because he was too scared.

“I –” Jinyoung hesitates. At the last second, he decides he can’t expose himself fully like that, but he does allow himself to be slightly more vulnerable. “I think I’ve had enough of dating. For now, at least. It just – it hasn’t gone very well.”

He can tell Jaebeom knows that isn’t the whole story, but Jaebeom nods anyway, relief evident in his eyes. “Okay,” Jaebeom says. “It’s just that you haven’t seemed...totally okay recently. So I wanted to check in with you.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Jinyoung says sincerely. “I’m still figuring stuff out right now, but I promise, I’ll be fine soon.”

He earns a smile from Jaebeom for that, which is a victory in itself. “Good,” Jaebeom says, placing his hand on Jinyoung’s knee and squeezing lightly. “And remember that I’m here for you, whenever you need me.”

 _I always need you_ , Jinyoung doesn’t say, even though it’s undoubtedly true. Instead, he returns the smile and lets himself lean a little closer to Jaebeom. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I know you are.”

~~~

Jinyoung’s life changes irreversibly just as he’s starting the spring semester of his senior year.

It starts when Yugyeom is suddenly unavailable for tutoring for two weeks at the beginning of February. It isn’t like Yugyeom or Mark owe Jinyoung any explanations, but Jinyoung does consider them his friends at this point so it is a little worrying to not hear anything from either of them for so long.

Jinyoung finally gets a text from Yugyeom one evening confirming their meeting time for the next day, like nothing had happened. Deciding not to read too much into it, Jinyoung goes over as usual the following afternoon. Jinyoung is all set to start questioning Yugyeom about his unexplained absence as soon as he’s let into the apartment, but at that moment, Mark walks out of the bedroom.

“Oh,” Jinyoung breathes, all his questions forgotten. Because in Mark’s arms is a baby boy, probably not even a year old, and he’s suddenly all Jinyoung can see. The baby looks back at Jinyoung with wide, curious eyes, and Jinyoung has always entertained the notion of having kids someday, but he’s struck, all at once, by just _how much_ he wants that. “What – what’s his name?”

This is probably not the right question to ask first, Jinyoung thinks in hindsight. A better first question would be “Where did this baby come from?” or “Why did the two of you disappear for two weeks and return with a child?” but Jinyoung has different priorities when there are kids involved, apparently.

“This is Bambam,” Mark says. And it must be so obvious, must be written all over Jinyoung’s face that Jinyoung is already halfway to being entirely enamored, because Mark continues, “Do you – would you like to hold him?”

Jinyoung nods wordlessly and Mark carefully hands Bambam over. Jinyoung arranges the baby in his arms, fighting the absurd urge to start crying – he’s just so _small_ and _adorable_ and _precious_. Bambam looks up at him and smiles then, and Jinyoung knows he never even stood a chance. Within five minutes of meeting him, he’s totally, completely gone for this baby.

For the next few weeks, Jinyoung visits Yugyeom and Mark’s place every day, not just on his tutoring days, to help them take care of Bambam. Over the course of his visits, he starts to put the pieces together.

The brothers had disappeared for two weeks because a cousin and their spouse had passed away, leaving behind their infant son. Mark and Yugyeom were the relatives listed as the next of kin, so they brought Bambam home, but neither of them are really prepared to take care of a young child, so this is only meant to be a temporary situation until they can figure something out. Jinyoung knows it isn’t either of the brothers’ faults, but his chest constricts at the thought of Bambam being sent off to some unknown home, left in the care of strangers.

Bambam doesn’t speak or make any sounds at all, which Jinyoung learns is possibly the result of the trauma of being present during the accident that took his parents. But despite that, Bambam seems happy most of the time, smiling at Jinyoung and eagerly showing off his toys, and Jinyoung is more and more smitten every day with the little boy.

On one memorable occasion, Jinyoung watches Bambam draw for a solid hour before being presented with the finished product.

“This looks great, Bammie! Can you tell me what you drew?” Jinyoung asks, taking in the four colorful blobs on the page. Bambam points at Yugyeom, then Mark, then himself, and finally, at Jinyoung. He takes Jinyoung’s hand a moment later, beaming up at him, and it’s all Jinyoung can do to not melt into the floor out of pure, unadulterated happiness.

There are difficult times too, like when Bambam catches a cold and Jinyoung stays at Mark and Yugyeom’s place the whole night, refusing to sleep so that he can be there every time Bambam wakes up crying from his fever. Bambam gets fussy sometimes, too, throws tantrums when he doesn’t want to eat or take a bath. But with every moment, good and bad, Jinyoung becomes more and more sure that he wants this in his future.

Jinyoung graduates in May, and by September, he’s earning his own money with a job as a columnist at the local news station. As he eases into his new routine, he knows that his heart is set on solidifying the next big step in his life. So he does all the research he can, talks to Mark and Yugyeom, talks to Bambam, and when everything feels like it’s in order, he takes the final leap and brings it up with Jaebeom.

“Jaebeom-hyung,” Jinyoung says one evening while they’re hanging out in the living room after dinner. “I need to talk to you about something.”

Jaebeom looks up immediately from where he’s editing photos on his laptop, concern written all over his face. “What is it? Is there something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Jinyoung says hurriedly. “I just – I want to take a step in my life that will affect you too. So I want you to know all the details.”

“Is this about Bambam?” Jaebeom asks, because of course he already knows. Jinyoung doesn’t know why he still gets caught off guard when Jaebeom proves that he knows Jinyoung best.

Jinyoung nods, taking a deep breath. “I – I really love him, _so much_. I never knew it was even possible to love someone the way I love him. He’s just – when I hold him, I feel like I have the whole world in my arms, and I don’t think I can let him go live anywhere else. So I’ve talked to Mark-hyung about it, and...I’m going to try to make it official. I’m going to adopt him.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” Jaebeom says with a smile. “But congratulations, Jinyoungie. That’s amazing!”

“You aren’t surprised?” Jinyoung asks. Jaebeom hasn’t actually met Bambam, but Jinyoung has made it a point to show off enough pictures and talk about him enough that Jaebeom should essentially know the little boy by now. Still, he’s taken aback by Jaebeom’s easy acceptance.

Jaebeom laughs softly. “You’re practically the kid’s dad already, you know.”

“I mean, well,” Jinyoung stutters, trying not to sound too flustered over the rush he feels at being addressed as Bambam’s dad. “I know he isn’t _really_ my son, but –”

“He is,” Jaebeom interrupts.

“What?” Jinyoung asks.

“In every way that matters,” Jaebeom says, a soft look in his eyes, “he’s already your son. You’re just making it so that the rest of the world has to acknowledge it too.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung says, feeling himself flush. His heart is racing – he wonders if he’ll ever get used to it once it’s official, being able to call Bambam his son.

“I was wondering when it would happen, to be honest,” Jaebeom admits a moment later. “You spend more time there than here these days. I’ve been starting to feel lonely without my Jinyoungie at home.”

“That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about, actually,” Jinyoung says, choosing to ignore the obvious heat he feels rising in his cheeks at the last part of Jaebeom’s reply. “Mark-hyung agreed that Bambam should start staying here a few nights a week to start getting used to it. And if everything works out, it would mean that Bambam would be living here with us permanently. He’d stay in my room, obviously, but it’s your house too, so I wanted to make sure you’re okay with it. And you definitely don’t have to, but if you would be able to help out sometimes –”

“Of course,” Jaebeom interrupts, his expression earnest. “Anything you need me to do, I’m here.”

“You – it’s really okay if I do this?” Jinyoung asks, and it’s as much a question for himself as it is for Jaebeom. Because he knows he wants it, but he also knows how challenging it’s going to be to get there.

Jaebeom smiles and takes his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “It’s more than okay. You’re incredible, Jinyoungie. And I’m so happy you’re letting me be a part of this.”

 _There’s no one else I would_ want _to be a part of this_ , Jinyoung thinks a little helplessly. But he can’t bring himself to say it out loud, so he just returns Jaebeom’s smile. “Thank you for being by my side, hyung,” he says, which is still a little more revealing than he wants to be.

Jaebeom just beams at him and doesn’t let go of his hand. “This is where I’ll always be, Jinyoungie. No matter what.”

~~~

Acclimating to his new life as a dad is surprisingly simple, Jinyoung finds. Bambam is a relatively easy baby – he cries occasionally, refuses to eat sometimes, but for the most part, Jinyoung doesn’t have much trouble with him. It helps that Mark and Yugyeom are just a phone call away to offer additional support, especially during those first couple of months when Bambam is still getting used to not seeing them as often. The only real point of concern is that Bambam, at eighteen months old, still doesn’t make any sounds.

The pediatrician Jinyoung takes Bambam to tells him that it’s unlikely that Bambam is permanently mute. She explains that as Bambam gets used to being taken care of by Jinyoung, he’ll naturally become more inclined to speak. Jinyoung would have found a way to adapt even if it turned out that Bambam _was_ permanently mute, but it’s still reassuring to hear that he isn’t. Regardless, Jinyoung continues doting on Bambam, because there’s really nothing easier, and tries to be the best single parent that he can.

In practice, of course, Jinyoung isn’t really a single parent at all, because he has Jaebeom with him every step of the way. And Jaebeom takes his role as Bambam’s second guardian very seriously. He insists that they take turns for everything from diaper duty to getting up in the middle of the night when the baby monitor goes off. He even appoints himself the official photographer of all Bambam’s milestones so they can put together a photo album, citing the fact that he is, in fact, a photographer by profession and therefore a perfect fit for the job.

It’s hard not to feel like they’re genuinely coparenting, like they’re both Bambam’s legal parents, but Jinyoung appreciates the assistance and secretly covets the idea of raising Bambam _with_ Jaebeom, so he just lets it happen, even as his heart clenches every time he watches Jaebeom tuck Bambam into bed after his bedtime story.

For Bambam’s second birthday, Jinyoung meticulously plans a trip to Jeju for the three of them. He triple-checks every single detail, wanting everything to be perfect for the first birthday Bambam is spending with him as his son.

They go to the coast first, where they spend the morning kayaking. There’s a moment of awkwardness, where the rental person assumes they want one kayak for the both of them, like most couples. Jinyoung hurriedly explains that they want two kayaks, silently noting that for some reason, Jaebeom doesn’t say anything about it, instead just nodding along as Jinyoung talks. He decides not to dwell on it too much – this trip is about Bambam, not Jinyoung trying to sort out his long-existing feelings.

“Let’s get the traditional hats,” Jaebeom suggests before they get into the kayaks. “Bammie will look adorable.” Jinyoung can’t say no to that, so they purchase three, and just like Jaebeom predicted, Bambam does, in fact, look utterly precious in his little straw hat.

Once they’re in the kayaks, Jinyoung has Bambam in his lap as he rows, and Bambam smiles, waves to Jaebeom in the other kayak, and watches the fish go past in fascination. Jinyoung lets Bambam hold the oars with him towards the end, and at first, Bambam keeps trying to move only his right arm. “No, baby, we’ll just go in circles if we only move one arm,” Jinyoung says gently. “Let’s do it like this.” He moves both his arms to demonstrate, and Bambam’s face lights up as he starts moving both his arms too.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jinyoung sees Jaebeom taking pictures of the two of them as they row together, and he’s suddenly overwhelmingly aware of how lucky he is that Jaebeom cares enough to be here with them.

After they return to land, they order some of Jeju’s specialty foods from a food truck nearby. While they wait, Jinyoung leads the other two on a walk along the shoreline, Bambam in Jaebeom’s arms as they take in the view.

“Look, Bambam,” Jinyoung says, pointing to the rocks that line the shore. “Do you know how these rocks got here? A long time ago, a volcano went bang!” He gestures with his hands, and Bambam’s eyes go wide as he tries to mimic the motion. “Then all the lava came and cooled here, so the rocks look like this.” Bambam nods, and Jinyoung can’t believe that this is his life, that he has a son who he gets to take trips with and teach things to.

When they settle down to eat at one of the stone picnic tables nearby, the whole situation feels almost too domestic for Jinyoung to handle. He wipes Bambam’s hands with the wet wipes he brings everywhere, makes sure he and Jaebeom clean their own hands too, and then they take turns feeding Bambam bites out of the dishes they ordered, laughing and talking as they share the food. Jinyoung thinks this might be the happiest he’s ever been.

In their hotel room that night, they cut a cake for Bambam and sing him "Happy Birthday" together. Bambam is delighted when they smear a little bit of icing on his nose, and reciprocates by pressing an icing-laden kiss to Jinyoung’s cheek and another to Jaebeom’s forehead.

“I love you, sweetheart,” Jinyoung whispers into Bambam’s hair as he hugs him close. “I’m going to make sure you’re this happy every single day.”

Later, when he has Bambam in his arms on their bed, Jinyoung hears Jaebeom walking around the room, preparing to get into the other bed. Jinyoung’s eyes are closed, halfway to falling asleep, but it’s easy to sense Jaebeom drawing close and kissing Bambam’s forehead softly. “Happy birthday, Bambam,” he whispers. “You and your Appa are so special to me. You two are my world. I’m always going to be here to take care of you both, okay? I promise.”

Jinyoung continues to feign sleep, even when he feels the light, almost reverent brush of Jaebeom’s hand across his cheek. But once Jaebeom has moved away, Jinyoung lets the tears well up behind his closed eyelids, utterly destroyed in the best way by the intimate moment he wasn’t meant to hear.

On the second day of the trip, they go to a maze that takes them most of the day to figure out how to escape. Jaebeom is ridiculously overconfident, racing away almost immediately with a cheeky “I’ll find the exit easily!” tossed over his shoulder.

Jinyoung has Bambam clinging to his hand, so they chase after Jaebeom a little more slowly, and Bambam is practically vibrating from how much he’s enjoying the silliness unfolding in front of him. “Jaebeommie, quit setting a bad example,” Jinyoung calls, laughing. “You clearly don’t know the way out any more than we do!”

By the time they make it to the exit, it’s already mid-afternoon and all three of them are breathless from running around all day. “I told you I’d find the exit,” Jaebeom says as they’re driving back, predictably unable to let go of the fact that technically, it was him who chose the last few turns they needed to take to get out.

“You said you would do it _easily_ ,” Jinyoung counters with a laugh. “Which you absolutely did not. Bammie agrees, right?” Bambam nods, which Jaebeom catches through the rearview mirror.

“My two favorite boys, ganging up against me. Life is so unfair,” Jaebeom sighs, but he’s smiling so widely that Jinyoung can practically feel his contentment radiating off of him.

When they’re back in the hotel after dinner, the three of them sit together on Jaebeom’s bed, looking through all the pictures from the trip. Jaebeom swipes to one that he took of Jinyoung while they were eating lunch the day before – Jinyoung is holding out his chopsticks to Bambam, his face full of affection.

“A-Ah,” Bambam says suddenly, pointing at the picture. “Ah.”

Jinyoung freezes. “Bammie,” he breathes. He glances at Jaebeom momentarily, just to confirm, and Jaebeom is staring at Bambam in shock and amazement too, which means that this must really be happening. “Did you just – did you make a sound, baby?” Bambam cocks his head curiously, and Jinyoung can’t stop the tears that are starting to well up. “Can you try again? Can you make another sound for Appa, sweetie?”

Bambam blinks, his eyes wide as he stares at Jinyoung in silence. Then, suddenly, he breaks into a wide smile. “Ah,” he says. “Pa!”

“Appa,” Jaebeom says softly, reaching out to Jinyoung, and Jinyoung can only cling to the offered hand like a lifeline. “Jinyoungie, he’s talking to _you_.”

“Appa?” Jinyoung asks, choking back a sob as he gazes at his son. “You’re doing it, Bammie, you’re really speaking. I know it was so hard for you. I’m so proud of you, baby, I love you so much.”

“Pa!” Bambam repeats, and he looks delighted with himself. “Appa!”

“Yes, it’s your Appa!” Jaebeom says, sounding close to tears himself. “Good boy, Bammie.”

“Da,” Bambam says, a little more softly, his eyes trained on Jaebeom now. “Dada?”

Jinyoung blinks. He couldn’t possibly have heard that correctly. He turns to Jaebeom, who’s staring at Bambam with a stunned expression, before looking back at his son. “Bambam,” Jinyoung says tentatively. “Are you asking if he’s your dad?”

“Dada,” Bambam says again, but it isn’t a question this time, and he’s irrefutably referring to Jaebeom.

“I –” Jaebeom looks between Bambam and Jinyoung a little helplessly. “Jinyoungie, I can explain. Sometimes, I – I refer to myself as Dad around him. I know we haven’t talked about it, and I should have asked you if it was okay first, but I just –”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jinyoung interrupts. His heart is racing from the long-term implications of this, but he knows he could never take this away from Jaebeom or from Bambam. “It’s fine.” He offers Jaebeom what he hopes is a comforting smile, squeezing his hand gently. “Who else could be his Dada, anyway?”

There are tears in Jaebeom’s eyes as he smiles. “Thank you,” he says. “ _Thank you_ , Jinyoungie.” He turns back to Bambam and pulls him into a hug. “And thank you too, Bambam. I – I love you.” It’s the first time Jaebeom has ever said that to Bambam, and it makes Jinyoung’s entire body feel warm.

Bambam makes grabby hands towards Jinyoung from where he’s in Jaebeom’s embrace, and Jinyoung joins them a moment later, unable to resist. “Appa,” Bambam says. “Dada.”

“Yes,” Jinyoung says, kissing Bambam’s cheeks and forehead, feeling so full of love he could just burst from it. “Yes, we are your Appa and your Dada, and we love you so much.”

Later, he’ll have to think about the consequences of Bambam referring to Jaebeom as his other dad, what impact that might have on any future relationships he gets into. But right now, none of that matters. Right now, he can sit here in Jaebeom’s arms, with his son on his lap, and feel nothing but perfectly, utterly happy.

* * *

Jinyoung meets Jackson at work a few months after Bambam’s third birthday. Jackson is a sports journalist, working in an entirely different part of the office than Jinyoung does for his films and music column, so they don’t cross paths too often, but they meet in the break room frequently enough for them to start texting outside of work after Jackson asks for Jinyoung’s number.

Jackson is funny, sweet, and takes the fact that Jinyoung has a son into stride with relative ease. Their break-room meetings turn into lunch dates, and when Jackson officially asks him out after a few weeks of flirting, Jinyoung decides that it’s time to end his three-year break from dating.

They’ve been together for a month when Jinyoung pushes himself to invite Jackson back to the apartment after dinner. He chooses a weekend that he knows Jaebeom already had made plans to take Bambam out with Youngjae, so the apartment will be empty. Secretly, he very much doubts that anything particularly extreme will happen tonight – the thought alone somewhat freaks him out – but he figures that this way, they at least have the option, in case he miraculously changes his mind.

When Jinyoung and Jackson reach the apartment that evening, though, they walk in to find Jaebeom sitting on the couch with Bambam in his arms, watching a movie.

“Jaebeommie,” Jinyoung says, stopping short. “You’re home.” Behind him, Jackson makes an inquisitorial noise, and Jinyoung is already not looking forward to the awkwardness that is inevitably going to accompany this entire situation.

“Jinyoungie!” Jaebeom says happily at the same time that Bambam calls “Appa!” with a cute, toothy smile.

“Hi Bammie, Appa missed you,” Jinyoung says, incapable of not responding to his son. Then he turns his attention to Jaebeom instead. “I wasn’t expecting you to be home already, hyung, did something happen?”

“There was a last-minute change of plans,” Jaebeom says apologetically. “You remember how Youngjae originally wanted to go to the show with his friend but his friend was working a weekend shift? The friend decided to take time off, so they were able to go together after all. And when I asked Bammie what he wanted to do instead of spending the day with Uncle Youngjae, he said he wanted to watch movies at home.”

“Watch movie with Dada!” Bambam confirms, looking delighted, and Jinyoung can only melt at the happiness on his son’s face.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom says, lowering his voice slightly, and he sounds completely sincere as he glances at Jackson, who’s still frozen in place behind Jinyoung. “I tried to tell him that you wanted some time alone at home, but he insisted.”

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung says automatically, because this is Jaebeom and Bambam’s home too, and they have every right to be here. “It’s not your fault.” He pulls off his shoes and coat, and turns to Jackson. “Jackson, I’m sorry about the sudden change of plans. Why don’t you, um, sit down, and I can get you something to drink? Do you want soju? Beer?”

“Just water, thanks,” Jackson says, gingerly sitting in the empty armchair.

“Anything for you, Bammie?” Jinyoung asks.

“Apple juice!” Bambam says cheerfully, clapping his hands. It’s a little late for apple juice, to be honest, but Jinyoung can be lenient on a Saturday night like this.

Jaebeom flashes a smile Jinyoung’s way. “You heard the little man. An apple juice for him, and another for me, please?”

Jinyoung is helpless to do anything but smile back, falling into the familiar role he’s played so many times before. “Two apple juices coming right up, young sirs.”

As he walks to the kitchen, Jinyoung hears Jaebeom starting to talk to Jackson. “So you’re Jackson, huh? Jinyoungie’s talked a lot about you.”

Jinyoung winces as Jackson clears his throat. “He, uh, hasn’t really mentioned you. You two live together?” Jinyoung is slightly taken aback, because of course he’s brought up that he lives with his best friend – but it was just in passing, so maybe Jackson forgot. Either way, the stilted conversation has Jinyoung rushing to fill two glasses for the adults and a plastic cup for Bambam so he can join in as soon as possible and ease the weird tension in the room.

“Yeah, it’s been almost six years now,” Jaebeom says fondly as Jinyoung returns to the living room. “Thanks, Jinyoungie,” he adds with a smile as he accepts the glass of apple juice. “Bammie, what do we say to Appa?”

“Thank you for juice, Appa!” Bambam says, smacking a kiss on Jinyoung’s cheek.

“Anything for my baby,” Jinyoung says, kissing Bambam’s forehead in return before moving away to hand the glass of water to Jackson, who’s been watching the whole scene in silence.

“By the way, I realized I didn’t even introduce myself yet!” Jaebeom says to Jackson as Jinyoung returns to the couch to sit. “I’m Jaebeom. And I’m sure you already know, but this little guy is Bambam.” He pinches Bambam’s cheek and says, “Bammie, say hi to Appa’s friend.”

“Hi!” Bambam says, momentarily turning away from the TV screen to wave in Jackson direction.

“It’s nice to meet you, Bambam,” Jackson says, and Jinyoung is relieved to see that he’s smiling, though it dims a little as he continues. “And you too, Jaebeom-ssi.”

“Please, no need to be so formal,” Jaebeom says with a friendly smile. “Jinyoungie told me you two are the same age, you can just call me hyung.”

Jinyoung freezes, remembering how he had addressed Jaebeom when he walked in, and he can tell from Jackson’s expression that he remembers too. “Sure,” Jackson says slowly. “Jaebeom-hyung.”

Jaebeom continues smiling like he hasn’t noticed the awkwardness in the room, and maybe he really hasn’t. After all, he does have his lap full of a squirming Bambam who’s trying intently to watch the movie and drink from his cup of juice at the same time, so Jaebeom’s attention is understandably divided.

Jinyoung wishes he had the excuse of holding a toddler in his arms so he wouldn’t have to be aware of the suffocating atmosphere in the room either. He’s about to say something, anything, to diffuse the tension, when he abruptly realizes that his throat is incredibly dry. Without thinking much about it, he picks Jaebeom’s glass out of Jaebeom’s hand and takes a large sip of juice.

“Ah, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom says fondly as he takes the glass back and sips from it himself. “Don’t I always tell you that you need to do a better job of staying hydrated?”

“Drink lots,” Bambam says helpfully. “Appa needs!”

Jinyoung momentarily forgets why he was feeling so awkward as he smiles at the two of them. “All right, all right,” he says, booping Bambam’s nose. “I know I need to drink more.”

“Have the rest of this, then,” Jaebeom says, giving his glass back to Jinyoung. “I’m not really thirsty anyway, I only asked for it because I knew you’d want some.” Jinyoung accepts it gratefully, finishing off the contents in a few gulps.

Jackson suddenly clears his throat, and Jinyoung almost jumps in surprise, placing the glass on the coffee table before looking at Jackson. “I think I should probably head out,” Jackson says with an odd expression on his face.

“Wait, Jackson,” Jinyoung says, thinking he should probably do _something_ to salvage the night. “I – do you want to go for a walk? Before you leave?”

For a moment, Jinyoung thinks Jackson might refuse. But then Jackson nods, and Jinyoung lets out a sigh of relief. “I’ll be back in a bit, Bammie. Be good for Dada, okay?”

“I be good,” Bambam promises. “Bye bye, Appa’s friend!”

“Bye, Bambam,” Jackson says, and Jinyoung is reassured by the genuine smile on Jackson’s face. Maybe the night hasn’t been a total disaster after all.

Still, Jinyoung makes sure to apologize for the unexpected company once he and Jackson are walking outside. “I’m sorry about tonight,” Jinyoung says. “I know you were expecting – anyway, I really didn’t think they would be home.”

“It’s okay,” Jackson says. “It was, uh, it was nice to meet your son.”

“I’m glad,” Jinyoung says, squeezing Jackson’s hand with a smile. “It seemed like maybe you were feeling kind of uncomfortable, but I’m happy you weren’t.”

“Right,” Jackson says, and his smile seems a little forced. Jinyoung immediately feels guilty again – clearly, he misread Jackson’s response. “Anyway, Jinyoung, this has been – great, but I’m tired and I think it’s best if I just head home now.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says softly. It feels like a dismissal and Jinyoung isn’t sure what to think about that. “I’ll text you tomorrow?”

Jackson stares at him for a long moment. “Yeah,” he finally says. And then he leaves, and Jinyoung is left standing on the sidewalk, wondering where he went wrong this time.

~~~

Things are tangibly strained between them during the next few dates they go on. Jinyoung does his best to take it in stride at first, but eventually, he can’t stand it anymore. The next time they meet up for lunch, Jinyoung confronts Jackson about his weird mood lately.

“It’s just,” Jackson starts, with the attitude of someone who’s been holding back for a while, “you never mentioned that your son has another dad. Who you live with.”

Jinyoung swallows, knowing he probably deserves the flat tone in Jackson’s voice. “I _did_ tell you I live with my best friend,” he says weakly. “I know it’s a little strange, but I promise, it isn’t what you think. I’ve known Jaebeom-hyung since I was seven. And when I adopted Bambam, we were already living together, and I couldn’t afford to move out, and Jaebeom-hyung offered to help take care of him. So yes, Bambam has two father figures, but it isn’t anything more than that.”

“But it is,” Jackson says. “You know, you handed him his glass first when you came back to the living room.”

“What?” Jinyoung is bewildered by the random detail.

“It made me think,” Jackson continues, “I understand prioritizing Bambam over me. But what about Jaebeom?”

Jinyoung forcibly holds back his instinct to correct Jackson on his lack of honorifics – this is very much the wrong time to mention that only _he_ is allowed to be informal with Jaebeom. “What about him?” he asks instead, his mouth dry.

“Will he always come before me, too?” Jackson asks directly.

“I –” Jinyoung desperately tries to think of a way to explain. “Jackson, he’s my best friend. He’s been a part of my life for so long and – I know it’s hard to understand, but he’s really important to me. So yes, I consider him to be second only to Bambam. But that has nothing to do with how I feel about you.”

Jackson nods, looking like he had expected that answer. “Look, Jinyoung,” he says. “I really like you. But this – I don’t know what to do with this. What was I supposed to think, walking in and seeing him with your son, in your house, and I had no idea who he even was?”

Jinyoung doesn’t like that, doesn’t like Jackson trying to pin this on him, when he’s been transparent about his situation from the start. He stops trying to be non-confrontational.

“That isn’t fair,” Jinyoung says. “That isn’t _fair_ , Jackson. I _told_ you I live with my best friend, and I told you he helps me with Bambam. So you can’t sit here and say you had no idea who he was. And I’m trying to tell you that you and him are both important to me in different ways, but all you can focus on is the fact that maybe he might come first?”

“And you’re still defending him, even now,” Jackson says, and the way he rolls his eyes feels abrasive, dismissive.

“Because you’re not _listening_ to me!” Jinyoung says, frustrated. “I want this to work, but there’s only so much I can do if you refuse to accept that maybe it makes sense that someone I’ve been friends with my whole life might take precedence over someone I’ve only been dating for barely more than a month!”

“All I’m saying is that the way you and him act? That isn’t something that any reasonable significant other would be okay with,” Jackson says. “Because last time I checked, dating someone is supposed to mean something.”

“The ‘way we act?’ You mean like friends?” Jinyoung asks, because he’s just so lost. It would be one thing if he was dating Jackson to try and forget Jaebeom or something. But his feelings for Jaebeom – though they aren’t entirely gone, because Jinyoung doubts they’ll ever really leave him – are so dull and lost in the background at this point in his life that they aren’t even relevant, so he has no idea what Jackson is talking about.

“If you were really just friends, you would have told me more than just the two sentences you shared about him,” Jackson says. Jinyoung opens his mouth to speak, to try and say anything, but Jackson keeps going. “You don’t even see it, do you? The way you don’t use honorifics with each other, the way you shared that glass of juice without a second thought, the fact that you’re _co-parenting a kid_ _together_ – that’s not actually how normal friendships are. And I was ready, you know? I was so ready to accept Bambam into my life, just for you, but it feels like _you_ aren’t ready to accept _me_ into yours.”

There’s something about the way he says all of it, like friendships can’t be just as meaningful or intimate as romantic relationships, and like he’s doing Jinyoung a favor by being okay with Jinyoung’s son, that rubs Jinyoung the wrong way.

“Look,” Jinyoung says, suddenly tired. “Bambam is my sun, my moon, and my stars, the number one priority in my life and he always will be. Jaebeom-hyung understands that, and that’s part of why I trust him so much to help raise Bambam. And I thought you understood, too.”

“I do understand,” Jackson says, and for a second, Jinyoung believes he can relax, that everything will be okay. But then Jackson keeps talking, and the bitterness in his tone is unmistakable. “I understand that Bambam is ‘your sun, your moon, and your stars.’ And I understand that Jaebeom is your sky.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says, because he does like Jackson, but not enough to put up a fight when he can see he’s already lost. “Okay. Then that’s it.” He starts to get up to leave, but pauses before he turns away. It seems only right to say something else, because he isn’t sure that he’s ever truly experienced heartbreak before, but he imagines it feels like this. “I really did think you were someone I could fall in love with someday, Jackson. I’m sorry I was wrong.”

And with that, he walks out with his head held high, and he doesn’t look back.

* * *

Jinyoung comes home one evening to be greeted by the muffled sound of Bambam giggling as Jaebeom murmurs something indecipherable coming from Jaebeom’s room. Truthfully, Jinyoung is exhausted, but he gravitates towards the noise automatically, wanting to be where the two people who make him happiest are. He knocks lightly on the doorframe before he walks into Jaebeom’s room to give them a heads up that he’s coming in, only to stop short at the sight before him, taken entirely by surprise.

Jaebeom and Bambam are sitting on an old blanket on the floor, a basket of nail polish between them, and Jaebeom is in the process of painting Bambam’s nails black.

“What –” Jinyoung starts, but he’s cut off by Bambam’s gleeful voice.

“Appa, look!” Bambam says, gesturing to his nails being painted with his free hand. “Dada painting my nails!”

“Yes, I see that,” Jinyoung says, covering his surprise with a smile and slowly walking over. “You’re sitting still so it doesn’t get everywhere, right?”

“He’s been a very good boy,” Jaebeom says as Bambam nods proudly. Jinyoung silently throws him an inquiring expression, and he explains, “He saw me painting my nails and wanted to match with Dada.”

That does explain Bambam getting his nails done, but there’s a bigger mystery to be uncovered here. “I – I didn’t even know this is something you like to do,” Jinyoung says a little hesitantly.

“Ah,” Jaebeom says, meeting Jinyoung’s eyes. “It’s actually something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. I guess now is as good a time as any.” He gestures to the bed, inviting Jinyoung to sit, and Jinyoung obliges without thinking too hard about it.

“So?” Jinyoung prompts, watching Jaebeom return to painting Bambam’s nails carefully.

“Well,” Jaebeom says, “I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve kind of been experimenting with my identity recently. And I think I’ve finally started to find myself.”

Jinyoung takes in his best friend’s appearance – the way he’s grown his hair out long enough that he can tie it up in a little ponytail, the piercings on his cheek and nose, the nail polish he’s so painstakingly applied – and Jaebeom is so familiar, but so different. And Jinyoung realizes that yes, at twenty-six years old, Jaebeom is the same man he remembers, but also better, somehow, like a new and improved and more comfortable version of himself.

“Dada pretty!” Bambam says, pulling Jinyoung’s attention away from Jaebeom’s face.

Jaebeom laughs softly. “Thanks, baby. You’re all done now, so make sure you don’t touch your nails at all for the next ten minutes, okay? You can play with my phone if you’re _really_ careful.”

“I be careful,” Bambam says seriously, and he settles down in the corner of the room with Jaebeom’s phone in hand a few moments later.

In the meantime, Jaebeom turns to address Jinyoung. “It isn’t just my appearance, actually. Although I think these have been some of my more radical changes.”

“Bammie is right,” Jinyoung says before he can think better of it. “You do look good. It’s different, but it’s very...you.”

The radiant smile Jaebeom sends him immediately banishes any second thoughts that Jinyoung might have had about revealing his true feelings about Jaebeom’s new look like that. “Thank you, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung smiles back, before he remembers the other part of what Jaebeom said earlier. “What else is there?” he asks. “You said it isn’t just your appearance.”

“Right,” Jaebeom says, and Jinyoung thinks he looks a little nervous, all of a sudden. “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about it and self-reflecting and I, uh, well. I’m pretty sure about it at this point, that I’m gay.”

For several long moments, Jinyoung can only sit in silence, blinking. _I’m gay_ , Jaebeom’s voice echoes in his head. _I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay_. “You – what?” Jinyoung finally asks.

“I’m gay,” Jaebeom repeats patiently. “Attracted exclusively to men. And asexual too, I think. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve never actually like, done anything intimate before, because it just never really felt like something I wanted to do.”

“Oh, really?” Jinyoung says, his voice cracking as he tries to sound like he isn’t hyperaware of the fact that Jaebeom has never so much as kissed someone on the cheek before.

If Jaebeom thinks Jinyoung’s reaction is a little odd, he doesn’t say anything about it. “Yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever really be interested in any kind of relationship, to be honest. Not one that involves the usual things, anyway. I think it isn’t for me.”

“I see,” Jinyoung says, feeling a little dazed. He tries not to think too hard about the fact that what Jaebeom is saying feels a lot like it could be applicable to himself too – the exception, of course, being the relationship with Jaebeom he’s dreamed of for the majority of his life. “Is there – anything else?” He’s not sure what else he’s expecting, but if Jaebeom has anything else to share, now is really the time.

“Not really,” Jaebeom says with a shrug. “For a while, I was thinking a lot about my gender, but I’m definitely a cis guy. I just like looking pretty sometimes. And that’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung manages to say. The Jaebeom of ten years ago would be in shock right now, and Jinyoung almost laughs out loud at the thought. “Yeah, it is okay.”

Jaebeom smiles up at him, and Jinyoung’s breath catches in his throat. He’s always known, to some extent, that he will never get over Jaebeom, but in this moment, Jinyoung feels like he’s been hit over the head with the fact that Jaebeom is, without a doubt, the love of his life.

“Of course, I had some help figuring all this identity stuff out,” Jaebeom says, his eyes twinkling. “I couldn’t have done it without him.”

And just like that, it’s as if Jinyoung has been doused with ice water. _I had some help figuring this all out_ , Jaebeom had said. _I couldn’t have done it without him_. And Jinyoung had no part in this, so he can’t possibly be the person Jaebeom is talking about.

Jinyoung has had years to come to terms with the fact that Jaebeom will never return his feelings. But to hear that Jaebeom is gay, that Jinyoung is at least the right gender and might actually have the slimmest of chances of earning Jaebeom’s affections, only to be slapped in the face with another reminder that Jinyoung has never been an option, that Jaebeom was always going to find happiness without him – Jinyoung can only force himself to smile as he feels his heart shattering yet again.

“I’m glad, hyung,” he says softly. Later, in the confines of his room, he can sort through his emotions. For now, all that matters is the bright look on Jaebeom’s face. “You deserve to be happy.”

Jaebeom glances at Bambam, still sitting in the corner and playing on Jaebeom’s phone with single-minded focus, before looking back at Jinyoung, and his smile is even more beautiful than usual. Jinyoung’s heart hurts so much, he feels like he can’t breathe. “I am, Jinyoungie. I’m really, really happy.”

~~~

As is his usual strategy when he’s feeling overwhelmed but is unable to talk to Jaebeom, Jinyoung turns to Youngjae. He invites Youngjae over the Saturday after learning about Jaebeom’s sexuality while Jaebeom is out at a photoshoot that’s scheduled to take the whole day.

“Hi Jinyoung-hyung, hi Bambam,” Youngjae calls as he takes off his shoes, shutting the door behind him and tucking his spare key back into his pocket.

“Uncle Youngjae!” Bambam says, running straight to the door and hugging Youngjae’s legs as Jinyoung watches from the couch.

“Hey buddy,” Youngjae says, lifting Bambam into his arms easily and walking over to join Jinyoung on the couch. “What have you been up to since I last saw you, hm? You already look taller!”

“I ate all the veggies, like Appa and Dada,” Bambam says proudly from where he’s perched on Youngjae’s lap. “So I can grow taller.”

“I think it’s working,” Youngjae says with a smile. “You’re going to be taller than me soon!”

“Really?” Bambam asks, his eyes wide.

“Yes, definitely,” Youngjae says, poking Bambam’s nose playfully.

Jinyoung watches the exchange fondly – he knows Youngjae misses Bambam whenever he hasn’t seen him for longer than a week or two.

“You know what else helps little boys grow taller?” Jinyoung asks. Bambam shakes his head, and Jinyoung leans closer to whisper conspiratorially, “Napping at nap time.”

Bambam pouts. “I have to?”

Jinyoung nods, holding out his arms for Bambam to climb into. “Yes, baby. If you want to grow taller than Uncle Youngjae, then you have to. How else do you think he got so tall, hm?”

Bambam seems convinced by this argument, because he waves goodbye to Youngjae after being reassured that Youngjae will still be there when he wakes up, and then lets Jinyoung take him to the bedroom to tuck him in for his nap. “I love you, Appa,” he says before he closes his eyes, his voice already drowsy with sleep.

“I love you too, sweetie,” Jinyoung says, kissing his forehead. “Appa will always chase away all the bad dreams so you only have sweet ones.”

When Jinyoung returns to the living room, Youngjae is in the middle of texting someone, but he puts it away once Jinyoung sits next to him. “So, Jinyoungie-hyung,” Youngjae says. “I’m guessing he came out to you?”

“That obvious, huh?” Jinyoung asks.

Youngjae grins. “Your panicked texts at two in the morning kind of gave it away, yeah.” His expression softens a moment later. “I guess what I’m confused about is why you’re feeling so conflicted. I thought you’d be, I don’t know, relieved?”

Jinyoung sighs. “I was, at first. But then he said that there was someone who helped him figure it out. I know it’s dumb and selfish, because he said he isn’t even interested in relationships, but...knowing that there’s some guy out there who helped him realize he was gay, it just hurts. That it wasn’t me.”

“I think,” Youngjae says slowly, “you’re reading too much into what he said. Trust me.”

“You know who it is,” Jinyoung realizes.

“I do,” Youngjae says, smiling wryly. “And before you ask, no, I’m not going to tell you who it is. But I will say that he only told you because he thought it would be clear who he was talking about.”

Jinyoung isn’t sure what to do with that. His mind flits through a few of the people Jaebeom is close to – Seungyoon, Yoo Youngjae, Jooheon – but none of them seem particularly likely. He decides to drop it for now. “Well, anyway,” he says, “it was really more the stuff about him being asexual that got me thinking a lot.”

“You could relate?” Youngjae guesses, once again revealing how scarily astute he is with his knowledge of Jinyoung.

“Yeah, exactly,” Jinyoung says. “I always thought that finding sex a little unappealing was just because my relationships never last long enough for it to feel right. But maybe it’ll just _never_ feel right.”

“Not even with Jaebeom-hyung?” Youngjae asks curiously.

“I’m not sure,” Jinyoung admits. “I’ve basically spent my whole life wanting him, you know? But I’ve never thought much about what ‘wanting him’ actually means. I guess I always just pictured a normal relationship with him, where we do the things that normal couples do, and it would all start coming naturally to me. But now I’m not so sure, especially since now I know that he doesn’t necessarily want that either.”

“I know you’re going to hate hearing this,” Youngjae says, “but I’m only saying it because I genuinely think it’s the best thing for you. You really should talk to him about this. Even if you think a relationship isn’t in the cards for the two of you – and I’m not convinced that’s true – he’s still your best friend. And it sounds like you both have similar thoughts about relationships in general anyway.”

Somewhere in his mind, Jinyoung knows Youngjae is right, knows that talking to Jaebeom about this is the best way to deal with the entire situation. But he’s been bottling this up for more than ten years, and he isn’t sure that he’ll ever be ready to reveal the depth of everything he feels all the time to Jaebeom.

“Maybe,” he says vaguely, which he and Youngjae both know means he isn’t going to actually do it.

“Whatever you decide, just know that I love you, Jinyoung-hyung,” Youngjae says, reaching out a hand to squeeze Jinyoung’s. “I just want you and Jaebeom-hyung to be happy.” His expression turns mischievous as he cheekily adds, “Preferably together.”

“I know,” Jinyoung says, smiling at the little brother he can’t possibly deserve but is endlessly grateful for. “I love you too, Youngjae-yah.”

After Bambam wakes up from his nap, the three of them head outside to get some fresh air. Jaebeom’s photoshoot ends up finishing early, so he joins them at the playground later in the afternoon, and the adults take turns pushing Bambam on the swing and building a castle with him in the sandbox. Jinyoung gets to spend the evening walking through the park with Bambam clinging to his and Jaebeom’s hands, swinging between them with every step, and Youngjae at his other side, chattering away about his boyfriend and what’s been happening at work recently.

It isn’t exactly the family Jinyoung had imagined back when he was a teenager – but it’s still close to perfect, and that’s more than he could ever ask for.

~~~

Bambam was tucked into bed a couple of hours ago, and Jinyoung is lounging on the couch while Jaebeom sits on the floor nearby, his back against the base of the couch. The room is silent except for the soft sounds of Jinyoung typing his latest article and Jaebeom occasionally turning a page of his book.

Jinyoung’s attention is pulled away from his screen when Jaebeom suddenly breaks the silence. “You know, I was wrong all those years ago,” Jaebeom says, smiling a little wryly. “And you turned out to be right.”

Jinyoung eyes him curiously. “About what?”

“Neither of us needed to be a girl after all,” Jaebeom says, setting his book aside as he looks up at Jinyoung, his smile softening. “We still ended up being married before we turned thirty.”

“But,” Jinyoung says, his mouth dry, “we’re not married.”

“I mean, I think we can change that easily enough,” Jaebeom says, his eyes twinkling, and suddenly, Jinyoung can’t stand it anymore. How can he be so nonchalant about this, when it’s been tearing Jinyoung apart for _years_?

“You – I know that maybe my feelings have gotten a bit old, but I never thought you could be _cruel_ , Jaebeom,” Jinyoung says, his voice hard.

Jaebeom’s smile vanishes. “Cruel? But I thought –”

“You thought you could play with my feelings?” Jinyoung interrupts, feeling angry tears welling up in his eyes. “After everything we’ve been through, after we decided to _raise Bambam together_ , you’re doing this now?”

“I don’t understand,” Jaebeom says, looking stricken. He gets up and moves so he’s sitting next to Jinyoung, reaching out to take Jinyoung’s hand. “Jinyoungie, I want – I thought you would want this as much as I do. To be married for real.”

Jinyoung lets out a weak sob, half-heartedly pushing Jaebeom’s hand away. “Why, because you weren’t able to find anyone else? Because of a stupid idea I had when we were seventeen that you _rejected_?”

“No, of course not,” Jaebeom says, clasping both of Jinyoung’s hands in his own so Jinyoung can’t pull away anymore. “I want this because I love you, Jinyoungie.”

“Do you?” Jinyoung asks. “ _Do you_? Because I’ve loved you since I was fifteen, hyung. And I’ve spent all these years knowing you don’t love me back.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom breathes. “Jinyoungie, sweetheart, of course I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“I don’t mean just as friends,” Jinyoung says, frustrated. “I mean, I love you as in you’re the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. As in I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up and the last person I see before I go to sleep.”

“I want that too,” Jaebeom says, pulling Jinyoung closer to him. “I want to fall asleep next to you, to wake up in each other’s arms, to come home to each other every single night for the rest of our lives.”

Jinyoung is so close to melting into Jaebeom’s touch, to just giving in, but this just isn’t adding up, and he needs to understand. “But you said,” he whispers, “you _said_ you didn’t know if you would ever be interested in any kind of relationship. You said that wasn’t for you.”

“I was wrong,” Jaebeom says. “I do want a relationship, but only with you.” He swallows. “Have you ever heard of demisexuality, Jinyoungie?”

“I – I don’t think so,” Jinyoung says, confused by the sudden shift in topic. He’s so overwhelmed – part of him is still afraid to cling to the hope that Jaebeom is telling the truth.

“Demisexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality,” Jaebeom says. He’s speaking so carefully but intently, like he wants nothing more than for Jinyoung to understand and finally believe him. “So other people might experience it a little differently. But for me, I’m repulsed, like physically repulsed, by the thought of being in a sexual relationship – or romantic, honestly – with someone who I don’t already have a really strong emotional connection with.”

Jinyoung takes a deep breath, trying to process this new information as calmly as possible. “When you say ‘a really strong emotional connection,’ what does that actually mean?” he asks carefully.

“I mean even more than just a casual friendship,” Jaebeom clarifies. “I wouldn’t be okay with dating, say, Seungyoon. He’s my friend, but we don’t have a very deep emotional bond.” He looks directly into Jinyoung’s eyes. “You’re honestly the only person I would ever feel comfortable with dating, Jinyoungie. You’re the reason I even realized I was gay. How could any other connection compare to the one I have with you?”

Jinyoung closes his eyes, willing himself not to start crying. He feels like he’s on the verge of emotional collapse. After several calming breaths, he opens his eyes slowly, terrified that this is all some kind of twisted dream and Jaebeom isn’t actually in front of him. But when his eyes are fully open, he finds Jaebeom gazing at him with unfiltered longing, the kind that Jinyoung knows intimately because he’s felt it for most of his life.

“It was really me?” he asks hesitantly. “The person you were talking about who helped you figure out your identity stuff?”

“Of course,” Jaebeom says, bringing a hand up to cup Jinyoung’s cheek. “I thought you knew. I thought you’d realize right away that it could only be you that I was talking about. I know it took me too long to see it, but eventually it dawned on me that I’ve always been _jealous_ seeing you with anyone who isn’t me. Seeing you go to Youngjae for comfort when you were upset with me, watching you date all those other people, knowing that they got to hold you and kiss you and – and maybe do more than that.”

“Jaebeom-hyung,” Jinyoung whispers, his throat feeling raw. “I could never get past light kissing with anyone I dated because it just felt wrong. Almost kind of gross.” He’s never told anyone these specific details before, but Jaebeom is the only person who really deserves to know. “And the thought of having sex has always seriously freaked me out. So when you said you were asexual when you came out, it hit me for the first time that maybe I am too.”

“And is that still the case?” Jaebeom asks cautiously.

Jinyoung swallows. “When you described demisexuality just now, for a second I thought that sounded more like me. But – but I don’t know. I can’t imagine _ever_ liking making out or having sex. Even if it was with you.”

“That’s okay,” Jaebeom says immediately.

“ _Is_ it okay?” Jinyoung asks quietly. His years-old insecurities come flooding back, and he feels like he’s back in college, trying to figure out why all his relationships keep failing. “Is it just that there’s something wrong with me, that makes me not able to even date someone properly?”

“You’re not defective,” Jaebeom says, his voice firm. “It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable dating the way most people do. That doesn’t make you any less valid, or any less worthy of love.”

Jinyoung looks at Jaebeom, trying very hard not to break down. “You said you wanted to marry me. You would be okay with doing that even – even if we never did any of the things that married couples usually do?”

Jaebeom nods, his gaze earnest. “That doesn’t matter to me, none of that stuff is important. The biggest thing is that we’re together, because it could only ever be you for me, Jinyoungie. And whatever I can get from you, I want.” He looks into Jinyoung’s eyes, and Jinyoung can see the tears threatening to spill onto Jaebeom’s cheeks. “Whatever you’re willing to give, I’ll take.”

“I’d be willing to kiss you,” Jinyoung blurts out before he can second-guess himself. “Nothing with, like, tongue or anything. But I – I think just a kiss would be okay.”

“Yeah?” Jaebeom asks, leaning a little closer as he gently brushes some of Jinyoung’s hair off his forehead. “Okay, sweetheart. I can do that.”

Jinyoung closes his eyes as Jaebeom closes the gap between their faces. The kiss they share is nothing more than Jaebeom’s lips pressing softly against his, but Jinyoung finds that for once, he isn’t just sitting there anticipating its end – he isn’t exactly loving it, either, but he certainly doesn’t _dis_ like it.

Jaebeom pulls away only slightly once they separate. He kisses Jinyoung’s cheeks and forehead and nose next, and this is something Jinyoung could get used to. “I liked those,” Jinyoung mumbles, hiding his face in Jaebeom’s neck so Jaebeom can’t see the blush that’s surely painting his face. “On the lips was just okay, but on the rest of my face...that was nice.”

Jaebeom huffs out a laugh before kissing the top of Jinyoung’s head and then his temple. “Hm, I liked those too,” he hums, following his words up with another kiss on Jinyoung’s forehead. He sighs, sounding content. “If I could just have this for the rest of our lives, I’d be the happiest man in the world.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says. There’s still a part of him that’s in disbelief, but he’s starting to finally accept this is really happening, that he can really have this – the one thing he’s always wanted – unconditionally. “I would be too. So let’s do it.”

“You’re sure?” Jaebeom asks, sounding a little breathless. When Jinyoung turns to look at him, he finds that Jaebeom’s whole face is alight with happiness.

“I’ve wanted this since we were in high school,” Jinyoung confesses, finally getting it off his chest after all these years. “Maybe even longer than that. I’ve watched you help me raise my son – _our_ son, really, isn’t he? – and I’ve _wanted_ and _wanted_ for so _long_. I’d marry you tomorrow, if I could.”

“I’m sorry I made you wait all this time,” Jaebeom says remorsefully. “But I promise you won’t ever have to again.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jinyoung says, pressing a tentative kiss to Jaebeom’s jaw. He likes it, he discovers, so he does it again. “I didn’t make it easy for you, either.” He smiles at Jaebeom. “But now we have a whole future to look forward to.”

And there are so many things that await them – a wedding, an official adoption so Jaebeom is legally Bambam’s other father, a new home for them to share, maybe even more children, someday. Jinyoung holds Jaebeom and lets himself be held as they envision the bright path ahead of them.

It took a long time to get here, but now, at last, everything feels like it’s settled into place. Jinyoung has his son, and the love of his life, and so many supportive figures who he loves like family.

Finally, _finally_ , Jinyoung is completely at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was honestly a huge undertaking for me. It touches on a lot of themes related to sexuality and relationships that hit close to home for me. A lot of both Jinyoung and Jaebeom's experiences in this are based on things I've experienced myself, so it was definitely somewhat cathartic to write!
> 
> Some notes and tidbits:  
> \- Jinyoung's character in this is very heavily based on myself, so if he comes off as OOC or different from how I usually write him, that's why!  
> \- Jaebeom was always gay, but the way he was brought up had an incredibly negative influence on how he viewed himself -- internalized homophobia, comphet, the whole works. Jinyoung coming out to him was sort of the slap in the face that he needed to start rethinking his worldview.  
> \- It's never explicitly stated, but I imagine Youngjae as bi in this. Jinyoung coming out to him was a turning point for him too, because it was his first exposure to someone who experienced attraction in a similar way to him. Also he absolutely went through the mortifying ordeal of crushing on his big brother's best friend because I said so sjdhhdksjdh  
> \- Some of the people Jinyoung dates over the years are name-dropped but most of them aren't. In case you're curious, here's some of the other people I was imagining, not in any particular order: Jisoo, Doyoung, Mino, Ye-eun, Chanyeol, Sonee, Shownu, Wonpil, Jackson  
> \- I know Jackson is not the nicest character in this, so I apologize for that! He's somewhat based on an ex of mine who had a similar attitude towards how close I am with my friends.  
> \- I envision JJP's relationship post-the end of this fic to be closer to a queerplatonic one than a romantic relationship. It's definitely more intimate than what most people would regard as a regular friendship -- they kiss occasionally, cuddle, hold hands, are married, etc -- but doesn't necessarily fall under the romantic category -- there isn't a lot of going out on dates, giving each other flowers, complimenting or flirting with each other out of nowhere. Just them loving each other and wanting to spend their lives together with their son! (Disclaimer: this is 1000% based on my idea of what entails a romantic relationship and what an ideal life partnership looks like!)  
> \- Yes, the entire "Bambam's birthday in Jeju" scene is based on [episode 7](https://www.vlive.tv/video/15430) in season 1 of Hard Carry! If you haven't watched it, you need to because it is PRECIOUS! Also, this is TMI but every scene I wrote with Bambam gave me intense baby fever skjkjasdkjskhskh so I hope I did baby Bambam justice!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful sister who edited this over the course of two days! Your meticulous attention to the most minute details is...admittedly annoying at times, but always appreciated! <3
> 
> Thank you also to the incredibly talented @kavarichina who made [this adorable art](https://twitter.com/kvarichina/status/1358879896748056577?s=19) for this fic!
> 
> Title is of course directly from the GOT7 song of the same name!
> 
> To those of you out there who, like me and Jinyoung, worry that there might be something wrong with them because they aren't "good" at dating or don't enjoy what "normal" couples do: you are valid and you are loved! It took me some time to realize it, but there is no "correct" way to be in a relationship, and you can absolutely find a life partner without being romatically attached to them. I hope this story helps anyone who needs that reassurance!
> 
> Feedback and comments are always appreciated! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! :)


End file.
